Fresh Seawater Lobster

First published in the August 2017 issue of ‘Defenestration‘, a literary magazine dedicated to humor.

Summer Recipe: Fresh Seawater Lobster

Perfectly cooked lobster is surely one of life’s pleasures. Making lobster on your holiday may seem like a lavish affair, but we’ve put together an easy recipe anyone can make – spectacular succulent lobster in sea salted water.

Ingredients:

• 1 large human, 65-90 kilograms, pale skin complexion, vitamin D deficient
• 1 handful of pre-heated sunscreen, SPF 6 to 10, expired
• 1 artisan inflatable toy
• Fresh local seawater

Directions:

1. Grab the human. Remove daywear by firmly grasping the meat and easing the clothes off. Put on bathing clothes.
2. Roughly brush the human with thin strokes of sunscreen. Marinate for about fifteen minutes.
3. Commit the human to the water. Use clean sea water if available or add a ratio of a half cup of salt for every gallon of water. Quickly grasp the human by the body and submerge it upside down in the water, headfirst, then release.
4. Throw in one inflatable toy, set timer, and let the human simmer in the water for about thirty minutes to an hour, depending on size and tenacity.
5. Fish out the human and let it rest on its back. Place in direct sun, in relatively high humidity, raised from the ground. Bring to a simmer.
6. After about half an hour of sizzling, turn the human over, facedown, to expose the back-side to the sun.

How to tell when they’re done? Be aware that not all humans will roast at the same rate. The amount of time it takes depends on the human’s complexion, melanin production, and how well the air can circulate around them. Repeat step one to six to taste. When done the human should be dry, but still pliable; flexible, not brittle. Texture is about that of a dried apricot, best described as leathery. Aim for a vivid, deep, red colour.

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